Will I Lose My Dignity
by ashofglass
Summary: The people in our lives come into it for a reason. Change is hard. It has to be done one step at a time, and you can't always do it alone. Sequel to 'Standing on a Stage of Fear and Self-Doubt.' Book 3 of the LizzieVerse.
1. We Were Strangers

**Media:** Fic

**Title: **Will I Lose My Dignity (Part 1/9 + Epilogue)

**Rating:** PG-13

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine Eventual onesided OFC/Kurt

**Spoilers:** Up to the most recent episode

**Warnings:** For this chapter: mentions of self harm, gender identity issues, slight insensitivity towards mental illness and sexuality

**Word Count:** 2646

**Summary:** The people in our lives come into it for a reason. Change is hard. It has to be done one step at a time, and you can't always do it alone.  
><strong>Chapter Summary:<strong> Kurt starts group therapy, despite his protests.

****Author's Note:** **_Sequel to **Standing on a Stage of Fear and Self-Doubt**. Title is from 'Will I' from RENT. Chapter title is from 'At the Beginning' from Anastasia. Also, people following my tumblr may notice something familiar in this chapter. I couldn't resist._

**Part 1: We Were Strangers Starting Out On A Journey**

Blaine makes Lizzie tell her dad everything. Burt... doesn't take it well, especially when he sees the already-fading scratches covering her arms. The first thing he does is send Blaine upstairs so he can talk to Lizzie alone, which wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't also instructed him to remove any sharp objects he found. And yeah, she gets it, but it's a major invasion of her privacy, and she knows her razors will be the first to go. Even as Kurt, she can't stand body hair.

They fight about it, of course. Lizzie may have trouble with confrontation, but she has never backed down. Lizzie rages about trust and privacy and how it's just a scratch. Burt asks how he's supposed to trust a child who comes down the stairs looking like she's walked through barbed wire.

They both scream at each other, and Blaine is very lucky he's upstairs, because Lizzie would kill him for doing this to her. Finn pokes his head into the living room at one point and leaves just as quickly.

It takes an hour for them to fully calm down. Lizzie knows she's wrong, has known it since she started yelling, but giving in is physically painful. She curls into her dad's side like a small child while he talks about therapy groups, and manages not to argue when he tells her she doesn't have a choice. Inside her head, she freaks out. They're going to think she's crazy.

Eventually, Blaine comes back, and her dad leaves them alone on the couch. Lizzie lays her head in his lap and doesn't say a word about how scared she is.

~`~`~`~`~

December

Burt finds a group therapy that meets Mondays at four and is LGBTQ-friendly. He seems very proud of himself, and Kurt doesn't have the energy to fight it.

It's an hour's drive, which means Kurt gets to feel like a preschooler when his daddy picks him up immediately after class, and he misses glee practice. If he spends the entire car ride sulking, neither of them will mention it later.

He'd made the decision to go to the group as Kurt, even though he feels so much like Lizzie today. He doesn't care how 'LGBTQ-friendly' they are, he's not about to show off what a freak he is to total strangers.

In his head, he's been picturing the Life Support group from RENT. What he gets is... well,it's pretty much exactly like that, actually. They sit in a circle with a therapist named Paul (who tells him that he doesn't have to answer anything that makes him uncomfortable) before he asks them all how they feel today. There are various murmured answers as Kurt takes the seat across from Paul, scooting back a bit to put some distance between himself and the boys on either side of him.

"Alright, everyone, we have someone new in our midst today, so let's introduce ourselves when we go around. Make sure to mention something good you've done for someone today."

Kurt wonders if Paul is always this happy or if it's just new blood that gets him going.

The girl on Paul's left introduces herself as Mary Stafford, and says she did the dishes without being asked that morning. Sarah Crawford babysat her little brother right before she came. Li Zhau, the boy on Kurt's right, helped his best friend with her English homework.

And now it's Kurt's turn, and everyone is staring. Even the girl on Paul's right, who has spent the entire time braiding her dirty-blond hair and ignoring them all, is looking directly at him, piercing gray eyes sizing him up. He wishes they would all turn around.

"Um... My name is Kurt Hummel and I... I made breakfast for my dad?" He hates the way his voice shakes, turning his sentence into a question. It's good enough for them, though.

Greg Snipe folded the laundry and Eleni Addin thinks for a minute before telling them she held the door for Li. It isn't until her Adam's apple bobs nervously that Kurt realizes she's trans. Then he wonders if he's some sort of terrible person for noticing at all.

Blondie is staring again, and the second he figures Eleni out, he must jump or something, because a smile spreads across her face that's more unsettling than anything else. Blondie's name is Ash, no last name given which he thinks is kind of ridiculous but everyone else seems to accept as normal. There's a sharp intake of breath from Greg when she lists her good deed as not hurting herself that day. Kurt hears Li murmur 'Here we go again,' and Paul clearly expects her to elaborate, but she just stares at him, one eyebrow raised, until he starts to speak again.

"Alright everybody, let's go over the rules of group. Kurt, I obviously don't expect you to contribute, but please follow along, ok?"

Kurt nods and leans back as they all take turns.

"This is a safe zone."

"Everyone should feel free to speak their minds."

"What happens in group, stays in group."

"No photographs, please!" Greg gets a few giggles for that one.

Ash looks right at him when Eleni proudly says "This group is LGBTQ and every other letter positive." Her stare unnerves him, and he feels exposed.

Paul lets them all talk a few minutes more, even after they've run out of rules and are just chatting. Kurt stays quiet, wrapping his arms around himself.

Eventually, Paul claps his hands together, and opens the floor for them to talk. Sarah goes first, talking about how happy she is that her mom trusts her alone with her brother again, even if it's just one room over. How much she'd missed spending time with him, and how angry she'd been with herself when he got hurt. Kurt can't help but want to hear more of that story, but suddenly Greg is talking and everything shifts gears.

Greg talks about his new medication. How he hardly ever hears the voices anymore, and his mom is singing again and his dad is visiting this weekend. Everybody congratulates him, but Kurt finds himself staring. He knows it's wrong, but seeing someone so freely admit to hearing voices is both terrifying and intriguing. Kurt kind of hates how group makes him feel like an asshole.

Li speaks up hesitantly about how his grandmother's cancer came back. He tells them that the pressure became too much, that he couldn't help it and he relapsed. He rolls up his left pants leg sheepishly, showing off the pink-tinted bandages. He tells them how his grandmother patched him up and held him and told him it would be alright, but that he isn't sure he can believe her anymore.

It's kind of amazing to see how quickly the mood changes. Everyone is cooing sympathetically and offering advice. Sarah tells him to find a craft.

"Idle hands are the devil's playthings. I learned to crochet."

Ash nods and mentions that she prefers to go for a drive.

Li looks at them like they hold the secret to life itself (though in a group like this, Kurt highly doubts this has never come up before. Maybe he's just missing something.) and that's when Mary speaks up.

"Did it... did it hurt?"

It's like all the oxygen is sucked out of the room. Mary is staring intently at Li's leg, hands tracing gently over her forearms. Kurt hadn't bothered to get a good look at anyone, too wrapped up in his own nervousness. Now, he wonders how he could possibly have missed the scars crisscrossing her arms in various shades of pink and red. Li's voice takes on a firm tone when he replies "Like hell."

And just like that, all the attention switches to Mary and her issues, which Kurt can't even attempt to follow.

They all know each other so well. They know exactly how to react and all the right things to say.

Kurt has never felt more like an outsider.

~`~`~`~`~

"I'm not going back." He tells his dad on the car ride home. He'd managed to go through the entire meeting without saying anything, though Paul had tried to get him talking more than once.

His dad sighs. "Kurt... There are two more meetings this month. Just stick it out a little longer. For me?"

Kurt hates when parents do that, that pathetic little 'don't you love me?' act. He hates it because it works. Even Carole has figured out just how to manipulate him.

"Two more meetings. And then I'm done."

~`~`~`~`~

Blaine, of course, wants to know everything that happened. Kurt takes a slight vindictive pleasure in telling him 'what happens in group stays in group!' Some of that pleasure is lost when Blaine just nods eagerly. Kurt rolls his eyes and nudges Blaine's side until Blaine wraps an arm around his shoulders. He wonders bitterly why Blaine doesn't just go to group himself if he loves it so much. He keeps that thought to himself, though, because Blaine would probably think it was a wonderful idea.

Thankfully, Blaine drops the conversation. Instead, they talk about Christmas plans. Kurt drops strongly worded hints and in turn, Blaine insists that he doesn't need anything. Kurt ends up tickling him into submission, until his dad walks in and he has to pretend that he is composed and has no idea what Blaine is doing on the floor.

~`~`~`~`~

They win sectionals that week. Lizzie pretends she isn't jealous of the girl's outfits, and Kurt pretends he and Sebastian weren't arguing, since apparently he and Blaine talk online now (Which is weird, because Sebastian mentioned not seeing him in a while, and Kurt and Blaine Skype every single night.). Blaine both fights and makes up with Sam and Finn, but he still spends the rest of the week with a punching bag. He even shows up for their usual Saturday date looking out of breath. It's pretty much the hottest thing Kurt's ever seen, and they may or may not take advantage of it in the backseat of his Navigator.

Kurt is in a much better mood the next Monday, though he will never tell his father. He sits in the same seat he did last time, watching everyone else fall into place around him. They chat animatedly, while Kurt still keeps to himself. Despite that, when they list their good deed for the day, Kurt doesn't hesitate before he mentions buying his boyfriend coffee that morning.

And then he does hesitate, because he just outed himself in a room full of strangers.

'Courage!' an annoying Blaine-like voice in his mind whispers. Kurt leans back in his seat, crossing his arms and leveling them all with his best, challenging glare. He's still unprepared for when Ash starts to giggle.

"Wait, wait!" She says, holding up a hand, "You honestly thought we didn't know?"

"Ash..." Paul says warningly, and if looks could kill, the look Eleni was shooting her would at least paralyze.

"What?" Ash says, and she's clearly braver than he is if she can keep talking when Eleni is staring like that. That or she's a complete idiot. Ash rolls her eyes. "I'm sorry, honey, but you are only the most flaming of homosexuals."

And isn't' that exactly what he wanted to hear, yet again. That he's too girl, that he can't pass, that he has a serious case of the gay face. He's so busy thinking about stupid Sebastian and stupid West Side Story that he is completely caught off guard when Eleni leans over and smacks the back of Ash's head. Paul apparently isn't, since he doesn't say anything.

It is neither the first nor the last time that Kurt wonders exactly what he's gotten himself into.

"Do you even listen to yourself when you speak?" Eleni hisses, "You are the last person who should be making judgments like that!"

Ash has the decency to look ashamed. She looks up at Kurt and gives him a sheepish smile. "Sorry, man. No filter." She then looks over to Eleni and whispers something about overbearing mama bears, but they're both smiling when Eleni threatens to take her over her knee. This time, Kurt joins in on the laughter.

The rest of the day is surprisingly not that bad. Li's grandmother is doing ok, Ash rants for a bit about an ex-boyfriend, and Mary has been 'clean for a month (Kurt isn't entirely sure what she's talking about, but everyone seems really proud of her). It's all actually really interesting.

Kurt leaves in the same good mood he came in with, but when his dad asks how it was he just shrugs. He still doesn't want to go back.

~`~`~`~`~

Christmas is getting closer. Kurt has actually hit the point where he contemplates offering sexual favors if Blaine will just tell him what he wants. Then he contemplates just skipping the middle step and giving him sexual favors for Christmas. Blaine walks in halfway through Kurt's argument with himself and makes a comment about that being an awkward present to open in front of Burt. Kurt throws a pillow at his face, because his boyfriend is not nearly as cute as he thinks he is.

Kurt spends the rest of the week alternating between attempting to seduce (in the loosest sense of the word) present ideas out of Blaine, and absolutely dreading his next group meeting. Because next meeting is when he has to decide whether or not he's continuing. And if he's being completely honest with himself, he hasn't really given therapy a shot.

Unfortunately, dreading things just makes them come faster. It isn't long before Lizzie finds herself sitting right back in that circle (wearing the most masculine thing she could pull off while still being comfortable, but at least she's there).

This time, she still doesn't chat with anyone, but when Paul asks them how their week was, she slowly raises her hand. She ends up babbling about Blaine for a good ten minutes, about how wonderful he is and how happy she wants to make him. Eleni is completely enthralled and Li and Sarah just keep nodding. By the end of it, she's actually got a few gift ideas, and is confident enough to contribute when Greg talks about struggling to bond with his dad.

It's weird, actually talking to them. It's beyond bizarre, offering advice to Greg about compromise, actually saying something when Mary breaks down. It's strange and awkward, and in a weird way she sort of loves it.

They all say goodbye to her in the end (Ash mostly just punches her in the arm, but she apparently does the same thing to everyone).

She sits in the car with her dad on the way home and tries to ignore the hopeful look on his face when she speaks up.

"You know, I'm old enough to drive myself next time."

She can't ignore the grin on his face, nor can she help a small smile of her own.

~`~`~`~`~

What she ends up getting Blaine is a scrapbook filled with simple things. Movie tickets and photos, and a pressed and dried flower from prom that he didn't know she kept. What Blaine ends up getting her is a sweater, expensive and beautiful and perfectly androgynous. She has to put it on immediately because he tries to take it back.

"No way. This is awful compared to your gift. I need to take it home and burn it and wallow in my shame until I can think of something better."

"If you burn my sweater, I will burn you."

By the end of the night, they're laughing and naked and together, which is far better than any gift Blaine could have gotten her.

"I love you."

_Author's Note: I've been having some weird formatting issues so let me know if you've noticed any problems. I also had a few problems with Lizzie's pronouns but I think I caught them all. And yes, that's 9 chapters. We're taking this up to August, I have a rough outline. And if anyone's curious when all is said and done, I have short one or two paragraph backgrounds on all the group kids._

_Time for your daily dose of 'Things That Actually Happened to Melissa.'  
>-The thing from my tumblr is Ash's name: My tumblr is AshoftheBrokenGlass because I was in the middle of figuring out my gender identity at the time.<br>-Eleni's name was originally Rachel until I remembered that Kurt already knew a Rachel, so I changed it to Rae. Then, Friday morning, my mother called me to tell me that a family friend's neice, who she raised and who I knew well enough to be upset, was in a fatal car crash. Her name was Eleni Bennett, and I wanted to honor her in some way.  
>-I went to group therapy exactly <em>once_, when I was in the psychiatric ward for three days in February, and I really did list my good deed as 'not hurting myself that day.' I was depressed and angry and _bored,_ and in my mind it was a valid remark. Also, we really do sit in a circle, I was on the opposite side from the therapist, and the arrangement always makes me think of RENT. Unlike Kurt, I participated, but like Kurt, I felt like an outsider. And I did in fact tell my mother I wasn't going back, though that was less about group and more about how I closed up after I was released from the hospital.  
>-Ash is named after me, but she looks and acts nothing like me. Her extreme lack of tact, on the other hand, is entirely me, though I hope I wouldn't call someone 'the most flaming of homosexuals' to their face. Not that you should do that at all, but again, neither of us thinks before we speak.<em>  
><em>-My boyfriend also insists that he wants nothing for Christmas, and it's infuriating as hell and makes me feel bad for wanting things, but I think that's less 'things that happen to Melissa' and more 'annoying shit that significant others pull.'<em>

_I have nothing else to say for this chapter, other than that I continue to love Kurt and Lizzie and there will be a lot more Blaine in future chapters. He is a very big part of this._**  
><strong>


	2. Suddenly I'm Bright and Breezy

****Media:** Fic**

**Title: **Will I Lose My Dignity (Part 2/9 + Epilogue)

**Rating:** PG-13

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine Eventual onesided OFC/Kurt

**Spoilers:** Up to the most recent episode

**Warnings:** For this chapter: mentions of self harm, characters being triggered

**Word Count:** 2011

**Summary:** The people in our lives come into it for a reason. Change is hard. It has to be done one step at a time, and you can't always do it alone. Book Three of LizzieVerse.  
><strong>Chapter Summary:<strong>Kurt begins to connect with his therapy group.

****Author's Note:** _Sequel to Standing on a Stage of Fear and Self-Doubt_**

Part 2: Suddenly I'm Bright and Breezy 

January

New Years is fantastic- or so Kurt's told. Someone thought it would be a good idea to let Puck throw the party, and now he can't remember most of it. He's told that he switched between Lizzie and Kurt so fast that even Blaine had trouble keeping up, though the only reason anyone knew was because he apparently insisted on announcing it. He's also told that pictures exist of him trying on nearly everything in Rachel's closet. Pictures that he will _burn_ if he ever finds them.

Winter break ends only a few days later. Kurt braces himself for a new routine. He's going to start driving himself to group. He's going to make an _effort._ It's in his resolutions. (Along with learning that new thing Blaine does with his tongue because _oh my god.)_

The first meeting of the month doesn't give him much chance to talk. Mary apparently had a very bad holiday, ad everyone is preoccupied with her. Kurt wants to help, he really does, but the bandage wrapped around her throat leaves hims shaking and scared. He wonders what it felt like. If she's done it before.

He wonders if it was worth it.

It's that thought that horrifies him, leaves him reeling. He would never want to permanently damage his body. He digs his fingers angrily into his arms. What is wrong with him? He's disgusting for feeling that way, for not focusing on Mary's needs.

Suddenly, there's a hand on his shoulder. Li smiles at him softly, and ducks towards him to whisper. "It's alright. Everyone gets triggered sometimes. You're ok."

It's... actually kind of creepy that this total stranger knows what's going on in his mind, but they're probably used to it. He remembers how Mary reacted to Li's injury, and feels a little less selfish.

Li's hand stays on his shoulder for the rest of the meeting, rubbing soothing circles over his shirt and slipping off with a 'You did great' at the end. Ash's eyes are trained on him, and he sees her try to get his attention, but he needs to go. He has to get out, catch his breath, _think_.

Kurt isn't used to people reaching out to him like that. Yes, he has Blaine, who tries to conquer every problem before it happens, but beyond that... Well, his dad's health worries him too much to over share, and Mercedes is nice, but she's never been able to read him. She didn't even know he was gay until he told her.

Li doesn't know him. None of them really know him, Kurt's made sure of that.

And yet, Li had reached out to make sure he was ok. He'd looked out for him. It was bizarre and uncomfortable, and yet Kurt felt lighter.

~`~`~`~

Kurt has gone to school in full Lizzie get up exactly twice. The first time, people had chalked it up to his sexuality. The second time got him dumpster tossed (Blaine was still pressing him for names.). Since then, Kurt had settled for jeans and feminine tops. Sunday night, during their daily Skype conversation, Kurt asks Blaine for a favor.

"It's like 27 Dresses." Lizzie mumbles through a mouthful of bobby pins as Blaine drives her to group the next day. She's already tugged on a knee-length black sweater, white leggings, and black ankle boots. Now she just had to struggle with her wig.

"I hope you don't think you can pay me to look away." Blaine teases, and Lizzie slaps his arm lightly.

"Eyes on the road, lover boy. I'd like to get there in one piece."

Blaine laughs, but keeps looking straight ahead while Lizzie pulls half her hair back into a braided ponytail.

It isn't until they're pulling up to the building that Lizzie starts to get nervous. "Maybe I should just skip group for today."

"Lizzie..."

"What? It's not like you'll have anything to do for the two hours I'm in there.

"I'm sure I can entertain myself."

"Not without getting lost."

"I have a GPS."

"You can't always trust those."

"I have a cell phone."

"Blaine, have you _never_ seen a horror movie?"

"Elizabeth!"

He takes her face in his hands, fingers brushing her cheeks gently. "Listen to me. Are you paying attention?"

She nods as much as his hands allow.

"Good. You are _beautiful_ and they are going to _love_ you. You are going to march into that building and be your fierce, independent self. _I_ am going to find the local library. I will be back in two hours, and everything is going to be _fine._Understand?"

"Yes." Lizzie mumbles. Blaine leans forward to kiss her softly.

"Good girl."

She yanks away from him, pulling open the car door. "I'm not a dog!" She says sternly, but there's a smile on her face. "I'll see you in two hours."

Blaine doesn't pull away until she's in the building. It's extremely reassuring, and it gives her the strength to walk in with her head held high.

The chatter stops when she enters the room. She's timed it so that she's the last to arrive and she can deal with them all at once.

Lizzie lowers herself gracefully into her seat, not quite meeting anyone's eyes. "I'd like to talk today, Paul, if that's alright."

When he opens the floor for her, she looks up at all of them. Her eyes are drawn to Eleni, who smiles reassuringly.

"Hi, I'm Lizzie..."

She tells them the whole story, from the moment she realized, all the way up to her decision to come out to them. She fields questions and talks about her dad and her friends. She spends a good 20 minutes rambling about Blaine. And through the whole thing, not a single person looks disgusted or confused. Hell, Ash is looking at her like she just made her day.

It's the best feeling in the world, and Lizzie is a little sad when it's over and she has to wait on the porch for Blaine.

Almost immediately, she feels eyes on her and catches a glimpse of dirty blonde. She turns to face Ash with a glare. "For the love of... Will you _stop_ staring at me?"

Ash winces. Eleni breezes out the door, pulling on a McDonald's work cap, but she stops to ruffle Ash's hair. "Ignore her." She tells Lizzie, "She has no social skills, but she's relatively harmless."

Ash scoffs at that. Eleni gives Lizzie a mischievous smile as she grabs Ash's chin and forces her to meet her gaze. "I'm off to work. Don't. Break. The new kid."

"Yes, mother." Ash groans. Eleni nods and skips down the steps. Ash and Lizzie watch her go with varying levels of admiration.

"Sorry." Ash says, coming over to perch on the railing.

"Why do you keep staring?" Let it never be said that Lizzie Hummel beat around the bush. Ash's lips quirked up into a smile.

"I knew you were like us. I just knew it. Leni told me not to stereotype, but I was right, wasn't I? You _are_ like us."

"Us?"

"Me and Leni." Ash looks at her with wide, excited eyes. "What would you say your were, if you had to put a number to it?"

"What?"

She shifts, turning to face Lizzie fully. "Like, I'd say I'm 80/20 guy. Leni always says she's 95/5 girl, because she doesn't want bottom surgery. She says she'd rather have the wrong junk that _does_ work than the right junk that _might_."

Lizzie feels overwhelmed. "Should you be telling me this? It's kind of private."

Ash waved a hand dismissively. "Nah, Leni doesn't care. She only comes here 'cause she's got nothing better to do anyway. So what's your number?"

"Uh... I don't know. I've never thought about it. 50/50 I guess. I can't really figure it out, it comes and goes. Sometimes without warning." And really, that was the worst part, to be struck randomly in the middle of the day with the need to be something else.

Ash nods eagerly. "Yeah, I get that. I'm fluid. Shit, man, I'm a fucking _ocean._"

Slowly, nervousness is overtaken by the sheer joy of talking to someone who _gets_ it.

"I've never thought of it that way." Lizzie says, "It really is kind of like water."

"Yeah. Always changing and can make a giant mess."

Lizzie wants to question her, wants to see what makes her tick. Instead, she says goodbye, because Blaine is pulling up with a bright grin.

"Making new friends?" He asks her as they pull away. Lizzie's answer surprises herself.

"Yeah, I think I am."

~`~`~`~

The week passes by quickly. Kurt finds himself eager to go back to group, especially when Sebastian crashes date night. Just shows up at Breadstix and scoots into Blaine's booth, making those little backhanded comments Blaine never seems to catch. Kurt is wearing Lizzie's underwear, and when Sebastian smirks at him he finds himself immensely relieved that he didn't wear anything else of hers. Blaine, as usual, notices nothing.

Kurt feels better when Monday rolls around and he has someone to talk to. Greg babbles eagerly about a fishing trip with his father, about how it was awkward but at least his dad was trying. Sarah says she slipped again, says her mother gave her a list of things to do that never seemed to end, and she lost two hours sitting in the closet. That takes up most of the last hour, and Kurt feels guilty that his problem isn't as bad.

Still, everyone listens as he talks about stupid, meerkat-faced Sebastian and how glad he is that Lizzie never met him. Mary launches into a story about a girl who stole her sister's boyfriend (And what revenge her sister took), and by the end of it, Kurt feels a little better.

"I've figured out what your problem is." Ash says later on the porch.

"Oh really?"

"Yup. You compartmentalize too much."

"Excuse me?"

"You talk about Lizzie like she's this completely different person. It's all 'Lizzie this, Lizzie that,' and never 'me' or 'I.' But she's not a different person. She's you."

Kurt thinks she's ridiculous. He's not stupid. He knows who he is. "And you got your psych degree where, exactly?"

Ash rolls her eyes and hops over the railing. "You'd better go. Your boy-toy's here."

Kurt doesn't quite know what to make of her.

~`~`~`~

The next week, Lizzie tells Blaine he doesn't have to keep driving her.

"I have my own car, and I don't want to waste your time."

"I like it."

"It can't be fun, waiting around for two hours."

Blaine takes both her hands in his and smiles. "It makes me feel close to you. It's amazing, having you trust me enough to see you like that. And I love seeing the change it makes. You're happy here."

Lizzie kisses him and gets out of the car.

It's a quiet week. Nobody's slipped up. Nobody has anything big going on. Instead of the usual chatter, they talk about memories. Eleni remembers being so small her father could carry her on his shoulders. Sarah remembers her late grandfather's sturdy laugh. Lizzie remembers her namesake, and the conversation turns to mothers. Li doesn't have one either. His moved away when he was four and sometimes sends birthday cards, though never on his birthday.

It's a solemn day, and Lizzie is grateful for fresh air when she sits on the porch railing.

"Sorry about your mom." Ash says quietly.

"It was a long time ago."

Ash is silent for a moment, and then she pulls a pen from her pocket and scrawls a number across Lizzie's palm.

"In case you need me." She says. "Or even if you don't."

Later, sprawled across her bed, Lizzie will text the number.

_'Hi Ash, this is Lizzie.'_

Her phone will buzz almost immediately.

_'Hey liz wut u up 2?'_

And Lizzie will smile. Ash is a little strange, but it's good to have someone to talk to.

_'Not much. You?'_

_Ash's Chapter Notes (In Order of Appearance)_

_-Title is from 'Getting To Know You' from 'The King and I.'_

_-There was originally more to the New Years party, but it became the paragraph that wouldn't end and I had to cut it. Which is a shame because I liked a bit of it._

_-In case you hadn't figured it out, Mary's problem is that she has depression and she is very easily triggered. Li, as well as all of the other kids, is used to having to keep her together. Li would have given Kurt his phone number for emergencies, but Kurt kind of rushed off._

_-27 Dresses begins with the main character racing back and forth in a taxi so she can be the maid of honor/bridesmaid in two simultaneous weddings. She changes in the back of the cab and offers the driver 300 dollars, taking some away every time he peeks._

_-Eleni is team Mom. She's quite aware and proud of it._

_-The number thing is all me. I describe myself as either fluid or 70/30 girl. It used to be 80/20. I don't think people should have to label themselves, but I personally use numbers to keep myself grounded and figure out where I stand._

_-Ash's line about being an ocean is a shout out to Elora, who helped inspire LizzieVerse, and who describes her gender as ocean. Hi Elora!_

_-Ash's speech patterns and mannerisms are modeled after Jay (of Jay and Silent Bob) in Dogma and Charlize Theron in Monster. Because sure._

_-I keep everything I need to remember on my palm. Even if I have paper lying around._

_-Is anyone interested on the backgrounds of all the group kids? I put in little things here and there, but I'm never gonna outright say in the story 'This is why they're here and what happens to them.' But I'll post what I've got if you're curious._**  
><strong>


	3. Living With The Lost And Found

**February**

Lizzie is still shaken by the whole thing when she makes it to group. She's driven herself, of course, which meant she didn't have time to change. Not that she would've, she's in comfort clothes: Loose jeans and a cardigan stolen from Blaine's dresser. It bunches up awkwardly around her elbows, and she keeps having to pull it down over her stomach, but it smells like aftershave and candles and _Blaine._

It smells like Blaine, and that's really the best she can do right now. She sits in her usual seat and brings one knee up onto the chair, curling in on herself and chasing the familiar scent that's slowly been overtaken by her own soaps and sprays.

"I hate February." Apparently it's Ash's turn to talk. She looks antsy, like she's been waiting to start this conversation and has been working herself up for it. "The whole thing's a sham."

"Single people's awareness day?" Sarah offers with a laugh. Ash glares at her, but she continues. "Lemme guess, you're bitter because you don't have a date?"

"The whole thing's a sham." Ash repeats icily. "Doesn't matter if you're matched up or not. I had a guy last year. It's bullshit."

"Honey, do you need to talk about Ryan today?" Eleni offers, placing a comforting hand on Ash's shoulder. Ash shrugs her off.

"Back off, Leni, not everything has a reason."

"Ash, you can always feel comfortable talking to us." Paul says. Lizzie's a little surprised. He mostly seems to be there to take notes and watch them yell at each other.

"I don't _need_ to I'm _fine._ It's a bullshit holiday made up by people who want to pretend they're in love for a day so they can go back to treating each other like shit for the rest of the year. All it does is make the card companies money. And the candy is shit. If you want free candy, go trick-or-treating."

Sarah sighs and smiles tensely. "Yes, Ash, we get that you're emotionally stunted." She says flippantly. "_Anyway,_ How about you, Kurt? You're the one with the boyfriend."

Lizzie wonders if she'll ever get used to being put on the spot like this. Everyone is waiting for an answer. There's a challenge in Ash's eyes, but that's turning out to be par for the course with her.

"Blaine's really big on Valentine's day." She begins with a sigh. "He loves it, and I know he was looking forward to it, but he'll still be recovering from eye surgery. He goes in on Friday, and he'll have to wear the patch for a while."

Greg lets out a low whistle. "Yikes. What's he in for?"

"He's getting eye surgery," Li says with a laugh, "Not going to prison!"

Greg looks a little sheepish. "Sorry. So what happened?"

Lizzie pulls her other knee up. "A guy we know threw rock salt in his eye."

"The fuck?" Ash interrupted.

"He's been harassing us for months. He likes Blaine, doesn't like me. So he tried to attack me. Blaine stepped in front."

"Funnily enough, not what I meant." Ash said, staring her down. "I mean, people don't just _accidentally_ throw rock salt at other people. But why rock salt? Where I come from, it woulda been a knife."

"Ash, you're from _here._" Eleni reminded her.

"Irrelevant."

"Ever been slushied?" Lizzie asks.

"Did you just use the word slushy as a verb? As in, throwing slushies at people?" Mary twitches her thumbs together nervously. Lizzie nods.

"It's a pretty big thing at my school. Bullies are constantly dumping slushies on us. Seb- the guy found out and mixed rock salt into the slushy."

"I hear that can burn you." Mary pipes up again.

"I honestly don't know. If it can, we got it off Blaine in time. His cornea was scratched, but nothing more. We were lucky."

"Yeah, luck. I told you romance was bullshit."

"Romance didn't throw rock salt at my boyfriend."

Ash scoffed. "No, but romance made your boyfriend throw himself in front of it, and romance made that guy want to hit you in the first place."

Lizzie ignores her first comment, since Ash looks guilty the second it slips from her mouth, and focuses on the second. "Sex isn't romance, and that's all he wanted."

Ash scoffed again. "Sex and romance are the same damn thing. There's always someone getting fucked over."

Eleni placed her hand on Ash's shoulder and refused to be moved. "Are you sure-"

"_No,_ Eleni. I am _fine._ Can we talk about something else?"

Lizzie watches her through the meeting, the way Ash always watches Lizzie. It's interesting, the way she slowly uncurls from her stiff position, leaning into the conversation and laughing at a joke Li tells. There's so much more to all of these kids than Lizzie may ever know. They're like one giant puzzle, a puzzle Lizzie desperately wants to figure out, but may never have all the pieces to.

~`~`~`~

The week passes in a flurry of phone calls and Skype sessions. Blaine is a nervous wreck before his surgery, and completely stoned after it. Every second not spent with Blaine is spent texting Ash, who offers a myriad of distractions and crass jokes. Kurt is finally glad to have gone to group; all his friends from school would talk about is 'how's Blaine?' 'did the surgery go ok?' and 'oh my God, REGIONALS.' They're well intentioned (Except maybe Rachel, who alternates between 'I'm glad your boyfriend isn't blind' and 'which solo should I sing?'), but Kurt really just wants to put the whole ordeal behind him and relax.

The meeting before Valentine's day is charged. Ash is quiet and surly, Mary is overcompensating with babble about candy, and Kurt just hopes no one asks about Blaine.

"I've actually got a date for tomorrow." Eleni says with a smile. Ash relaxes enough to congratulate her, and then closes right back up.

"I do too," Greg says. "A real looker." That gets scattered laughter. Eleni looks torn between lecturing him and grinning broadly.

"I don't have a date, but Grandma and I are making up a big meal." Li says. "She loves any excuse to bake. She makes this amazing strawberry cake, it's like heaven."

"I can never get a strawberry cake to taste right." Kurt admits. "It might just be me, I don't like strawberries that much, and I bake everything from scratch."

"Well, how much sugar are you using?" Li asks.

"The bare minimum of a healthy substitute. My dad has heart problems and overindulges."

Mary sighs. "Well, there's your problem. It's ok to let loose once in a while. There is no such thing as a tasty health food."

"I beg to differ."

It sparks a twenty minute debate on food. Kurt comes away from it all with a smile and a few new recipes that he'll have to test before letting his dad anywhere near. Everyone's pretty cheerful. Even Ash has a small smile for Sarah's stew recipe. "I like red meat." She says defensively.

It's a good day, and Tuesday is even better. He heads over to Blaine's immediately after school, and they cuddle and kiss and watch sappy movies. Blaine promises to make it up to him, and Kurt just laughs it off.

They make love. It's sweet and innocent for about five minutes, until Blaine's hand flails into Kurt's face. They end up laughing and joking, and it's so unbelievably perfect. It becomes one of Kurt's favorite memories of sex, a short list that keeps growing alongside his relationship.

At the end of the night, they whisper 'I love you' and kiss goodbye. Kurt lays in his bed and replays the whole thing over and over. He dreams of the future and wishes it would hurry up.

~`~`~`~

Mary isn't at the next group meeting. She's in the hospital, healing from her latest attempt at self-destruction. Everyone is quiet, and even a little scared. Li looks completely shaken, he keeps scratching lightly at his ankle. Ash won't quite meet anyone's eye. Greg ends up smoothing Leni's hair back when she bursts into tears. She takes her job as group mom seriously, and they spend twenty minutes reassuring her that it wasn't her fault, that no one saw it coming.

It's a painful day. Kurt is a bit off his game when it's time to leave, and waits without a second thought when Ash yells his name.

"Hey, so..." She stares at him, small and open and vulnerable in the same way he probably is. "I think we're all a little low today. D'ya... I've got some movies? You seem like you'd like musicals, you mentioned your glee club once. I've got a couple you probably haven't seen."

Kurt stares for a minute. He and Ash text now, yes, but he's never mixed home and group. It's never even occurred to him. "Uh... Sure. My place or yours?"

Ash grabs a pen out of her pocket, again, and poises it over her arm. "I've got GPS. Gimme your address, I'll swing by my place for the flicks and meet you at yours."

Kurt rattles it off and stares as Ash heads down the road. He knew she lived within walking distance, but now she's _running,_ like this is actually important to her.

They're all weird. Every single one of them. They're all ready to jump into each other's lives.

Kurt drives home with thoughts of Mary and wonders when he became weird too.

~`~`~`~

Ash shows up about half an hour after Kurt gets home with an irritated look on her face and a stack of DVDs in her hands. "My arm smudged. I ended up in a Walmart parking lot."

Kurt laughs, because there's nothing else he can do. They stand in the living room, avoiding each other's gaze awkwardly, until Ash holds up the movies. "Let's get to it."

Ash's movies are... unique. She holds one up and proudly proclaims that it's going last, because otherwise "You'll make me turn the others off if you've got nothing 'normal' to look forward too."

She's probably right. The first movie is _Repo! The Genetic Opera_. Kurt cringed through _**Sweeney Todd,** Repo!_ makes him want to vomit. _("He just used that corpse as a **hand puppet**, Ash." "That's not a corpse, he's not dead yet.")_

Still, he enjoys some of it. The music is good, the plot is captivating, and there are a couple of scenes that make him want to dance. Ash _does_ dance, hopping awkwardly around the room and repeatedly trying to pull him to his feet. Ash never seemed like the type to dance, but she's been full of surprises from the beginning. As is the movie. The ending actually startles him, and he's kind of sad when the whole things over.

Kurt has absolutely _nothing_ good to say about _Reefer Madness. ("This is a movie about pot." "Yup." "He's having animated sex with an anthropomorphic brownie." "Yup." "...Are you on drugs?" "Nothing the doc'll let me share."),_ though he supposes it's not _entirely_ awful.

It's getting late, and after a moment of debate, Ash forgoes _A Chorus Line ("The movie's shit anyway, lemme play you the cast recording one day.")_ for the proclaimed 'good movie.'

Kurt cries at the end of _Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog._ He has no excuses. _("You told me it was a comedy!" "You've never seen a Joss Whedon thing before, have you?")_

It reminds him of the movie nights he used to have with Mercedes. It also reminds him to _call_ Mercedes. He hasn't really hung out like this with anyone but Blaine in... a while. They had fun. They talked and ate snacks, and at one point Kurt got up and did a half-hearted little shimmy, at Ash's insistence. He's sad to see her go.

That night, Kurt lays in his bed and texts the girls. _Sleepover this weekend?_ He doesn't realize how much he missed them until they all respond enthusiastically.

~`~`~`~

Mary still wasn't back the next week. Sarah, who apparently went to school with her, ended up raving about how Mary's parents weren't sure she should come back.

"They think therapy is a _bad_ idea?" Kurt asks.

"They're blaming it for Mary's problems." Sarah says bitterly. "They do this every time. Last time they just felt she had too much stress at school and made her quit band."

Greg let out a harsh bark of a laugh. "Of course. Typical of parents. It's everyone and everything else's fault. Nothing could ever be wrong with their kid." He lets out a low growl that has Kurt shrinking back a little. "I went undiagnosed for twelve fucking years because of that bullshit. They'll kill her themselves."

"It's not their fault either." Eleni says. "Mary _is_ diagnosed, and she's here and on medication. There's not much else they _can_ do but try to cut out anything damaging."

"But _we_ aren't damaging." Sarah insists. "She's been doing so good here, and they're going to ruin it!"

It's not a good day. Hell, it's not a good _month_, not for any of them. Sarah and Mary are close, from what Kurt can tell, and Sarah ends up bawling for a while.

Kurt's grateful for one thing and one thing only that day: Blaine is fully healed and waiting to pick him up with a kiss.

"You alright?" Blaine asks, arms wrapped securely around Kurt.

"Nothing I can talk about." Kurt answers with a shake of his head. "But I promise I'll be fine. We're all just a little run down."

"Ah." Blaine rests his head on Kurt's shoulder. "I think you got taller while I was resting."

"No, you just shrunk."

"Ahem!" Both Kurt and Blaine turn to find Ash staring at them. Ash manages a small smile for Kurt. "I was gonna ask if you wanted to do movies again, but you're clearly busy with your..."

"Boyfriend." Blaine said, walking towards her and holding out his hand cheerfully. "Blaine Anderson."

Ash stares at him for a moment, one eyebrow raised, before she holds out a hand. She looks like she's trying to be intimidating, but she's about three inches shorter than Blaine and fails miserably. "Jennifer Bennet. Call me Ash."

Kurt saw Blaine wince through the handshake; apparently Ash had a firm grip. "So glad I finally got to meet the infamous Ash. Kurt's mentioned you a lot."

"Yes, you've come up a few times too." Ash doesn't wait for an answer, turning to Kurt. "So, movies? Text me later, we'll make plans." She spins around and hurries off without another word.

"I don't think she likes me much." Blaine says once they've driven away. Kurt smiles.

"You're fine, that's just Ash."

**SMS Message From: Ash**  
><em>movies 2moro? ur pick<em>

**SMS Message From: liz**  
><em>Sounds good. How's five?<em>

**SMS Message From: Ash**  
><em>c u there<em>

~`~`~`~

_-Title comes from 'My Eyes' from 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.'_

_-Sarah's line about Single people's awareness day is not actually her being a bitch. She's trying (and failing) to connect with Ash, because she hates Valentine's day thanks to her single status._

_-Ash has issues. They are, in fact, related to her ex-boyfriend, as I'm sure you figured out._

_-Who wants to take a guess at who Greg and Eleni's dates are?_

_-This chapter, as the last bit of filler and character development before shit gets real, was a major struggle to write. Most of what happens has no effect on anything. So, instead of action, I tried to get some feelings across, such as Kurt's sudden and subtle realization that the people in group do not simply cease to exist when it's not in session. As well as the realization that he cares about them, as strange as it is for him to think it. I don't know, I don't feel it came across well, and I'm not a fan of any of this chapter. Also I have been waiting FOREVER for Ash to meet Blaine. This is relevant to the plot, in case you were wondering._

_-Ash's real name: Jennifer is my mother's name, and Bennet was Eleni's last name._

_-In case there's any confusion, the SMS message names are how Kurt and Ash have each other listed in their phones. Later, Kurt will probably change hers to Jennifer 'Ash' Bennet, just for organization's sake, but Ash uses nicknames._

_-Kurt ended up showing Ash 'Sweeney Todd,' which she's seen, 'Phantom of the Opera,' which she thought was both 'awesome' and 'totally lame' in her own words, and 'Moulin Rouge,' which she mocked mercilessly. Originally they got the same commentary treatment as Ash's movies, but this was the chapter that never ends so I just said 'fuck it.'_

_-Also, as much as I hate filler, and hate that I had to write any of this to FINALLY get on to the plot, I really adore the idea of Kurt and Ash mocking/loving each other's movie choices. They're two vastly different people, and if it weren't for group and gender, they'd probably hate each other. It's both awkward and really fun to write a friendship between them._

_-Yes, I know this chapter didn't deal with gender issues at ALL. There's a LOT of it in the next chapter though. A LOT. You have been warned. _


	4. Author's Note: I've Moved!

I haven't abandoned this story! But I _have_ moved. I don't like the interface here, and I can't post everything I want to post. That, and I wasn't remembering to update here, so I can now be found at AO3. The link is on my profile!


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